I feel it in my core, it shakes
I quiver, healing, not wanting it to take place
But real healing cannot be pain
Living numbly, I want to feel again

The healing shakes me up,
Like electricity buzzing, down my legs and up
Up to where it all began
Or was it there?  Was this all God's will and plan?

I can't believe this happened to me
I've been so scared, and trapped,
just wishing to be free.

I write these words, so raw, and pure
wishing words could give me
justice, for what I've had to endure

I want to transform this darkness into light
To take in all this pain...and breathe...breathe to feel
to feel it all up

I want to feel it in my bones

And then, I want to let it go.
Let its grip fall slowly away
fade in the distance...
see it as a part of who I am today

found something to fill the hole
but i'm not working it
i'm too tired
for twenty years old
i'm too old

i'm buzzed
because i can't
do those fun, stupid things i used to do
so i smoke the blues
tingling mouth makes it feel alright

i know, i'm tired,
and i might get yelled at too
because he,
he'll smell
the smoke next time we drive

the nicotine it burns
my past away, those fun things i used to do
but i know i was wrong, even though
I didn't know it all along

so why did it,
why did it have to happen to me
i've cried,
way too many tears for my time

and why can't I,
why can't I stand it when good things start to happen to me
why do I, just want,
why do I want to blow it all away

something's not right
something's not making sense
i'm just a messed up child
who looks sorta fine

and I cry, I cry
I cry myself to sleep sometimes
and sometimes I cry
I cry throughout the day

it hurts, it hurts,
it hurts to feel this pain inside
I just, don't want to have
to feel this anymore

so I smoke, the blues
I smoke all my fucking fears away
I smoke just to feel like I'm alive

so fuck, this shit
fuck this shittin psychoanalytic bull
I just need, a haven, someplace to call my own

I am just beginning to grasp what it means that we are eternally growing towards God.
For the first time in myself I am finally beginning to see the fruits that have been waiting to take shape actually form and manifest themselves in my life.

The human mind is incredible-and the possibilities for our potential have hardly even been tapped into.  Why does it seem like so few people actually see this? 

A friend of mine who completed her PhD last summer while we were training to become yoga teachers together-told me that our understanding grows exponentially.  I don't know if this was just a visual aid for it, or if exponential growth is actually true, but it does seem that there are certain peaks where once you reach them you are able to see so much more of the world around you.

At the same time it makes me laugh, because how much more are we--really able to understand when compared to Manifestations, or God.  And yet still-we have the capacity on this Earth even, to infinitely progress...exponentially grow...unlimited potential.

It simply astounds me :)

i can feel that loneliness in her eyes
and it slowly eats her up inside

so I take a candle to its flame
and give the loneliness a name
take the flame and light it up
I watch it burn, burn right up

I can taste that loneliness in her mouth
as she starts to cry and wail and shout

I take a dagger and press its flesh
I tear the skin, I rip and scratch
It isn't obviously clear to her, this pain
Is it just for her? dark clouds and rain?

I smell the loneliness in the air
It wants to burn, like gasoline, and hair

It isn't making sense...WHY?
Why me? Why ME? I try!! I Try!!!
I try to be so good to me...
I try to pray, I try to be
I try to be all that I can
And do the things that make me who I am
You'd think, eventually the pain would dissipate
Am I just impatient, should I sit and wait?
How long do I sit and wait for it to go?
I don't know how much longer I can take this!
I want to die, I want to know!

I turn towards God
I cry out to Him!
But still depression overtakes me
Tears drown my eyes, makeup running down my face
I guess it's just all part of this nasty, horrible, ugly place
This place it seems we just come to die,
Where somepeople make it, souls soaring to the sky
But the rest of us, who are we to care?
I simply cannot take it---

I am so inspired
so unimaginably wanting to shout this to all the earth
I want to scream it
would that work?

I want to shout and scream and kick and flail
I want to be heard

To be heard, to be listened to
for someone else to feel this truth I feel
is it okay for me to feel this way?

How can you question me?
if you felt it you would also understand
the way I feel
the way I am

you would also want to share this too
with all the world, and shout it blue

I cannot keep this truth inside
a truth that's pure, does not want to hide
it wants to flow, through lakes and streams
and be swept up
through the roots of things

a truth like this,
it wants to grow
to manifest
to fall like snow

to fall so soft on waiting tongues
and land on eyelashes
delicately
beautiful snowflakes
one at a time

it falls like stars shooting through the sky
it blooms like flowers in April rain
it washes up to shore like waves and seashells
it sings into the air like one who knows

it sings into the air
                                       like one
                                                             who knows

I've traded pens and paper in
for computer keys and pixels

the paint brush has been lost from my hand
as i search for it on the floor
i only find books filled to the brim
with meaningless information

so I wipe off the dust
and the inside has been transformed,
made new
and I jump into the ocean of words,
without going home to ponder it
because it looks so cool, so soothing
so inviting

the waves knock me back and forth
the water cleanses my pores
this vast ocean, this is my new easel

the blueness stretches on forever
it extends beyond the horizon
and as the orange sun sets beyond the waves
stars pop out in the dark night sky
yet somehow, I do not feel so small this time
somehow, my smallness, my personhood
does not feel so insignificant

I would like to make the world a better place.
leave things better than I left them
weaving spirituality into every step
igniting hearts
infusing wisdom, light, and love
stitching virtues into my soul

I would like to leap across the grand canyon
of doubt
of fear
of envy
and land in the soft billowy clouds of love

I would like to guide a child
show them that they have wings
and watch them fly

I would like to live my life without borders
without prejudice, without fear
greeting everyone I meet with the same warmth

I would like to see the earth filled with peace
glowing with the radiant light of God
all of God's creatures shining their light

“The more we search for ourselves, the less likely we are to find ourselves; and the more we search for God, and to serve our fellow men, the more profoundly will we become acquainted with ourselves, and the more inwardly assured. This is one of the great spiritual laws of life.”

-Shoghi Effendi

O friend, the heart is the dwelling of eternal mysteries, make it not the home of fleeting fancies; waste not the treasure of thy precious life in employment with this swiftly passing world.  Thou comest from the world of holiness-- bind not thine heart to the earth; thou art a dweller in the court of nearness-- chose not the homeland of the dust.

-Baha'u'llah

There is this love inside my heart, Lord,  and I wish to share it with the world.
How do I open up and share it?  But through You.
I trust for what the night will bring,
I trust for another day.
I pray that I might live to see
The earth a brand new way
Where people hand in hand they join
and live in peace
and glorify Your bounty that you have bestowed upon us.
Lord I pray this in your name.

May You fill this earth with blessings
May You open my heart with JOY.
May You dispel this world of sufferings
May You shine Your light upon all its peoples

May abundance, happiness, and light encompass the lifes of all beings!
May Your will for this age come to fruition.

Tomorrow
it is the dawn of a new age
a place I can remember

Tomorrow
an age where peace will reign
a second of eternity

Tomorrow
it is a light that fills all darkness
it is a cup that never empties
it is a world that knows just unity
a soft breeze by the ocean

Tomorrow
the dawn has broken
the silence that is deafening
an atom that has split unites me

Tomorrow
a flame quenches my thirst
a paradox reassures my world

Tommorrow
the bird takes flight
and never ever ever returns